The boat-change syndrome. From early symptoms to compulsive buying

Marco Cohen*, in this hilarious tale, reveals what goes on in the mind of a boat owner when he decides to change boats and sell his old beloved. Between hyperbolic trips to the second-hand market, friends’ pranks, disassociated and schizoid owners. Story of a boat change to remember.

The boat-change syndrome

3 a.m. The eye is balled on the wall. No, I have never suffered from insomnia in my life.

I get up, grab my iPad and go to the kitchen…. and I start on YOU… no… not the sites you maligners might think of but: YouBoat, Boat24, Bateau, Racing Yacht, Seahorse Magazine, Yachting World and I could go on and on. I think I am one of the world’s leading experts on the subject.

Boat change syndrome – Symptoms

And yes, I am in a state of agonistic trance, of Dionysian visions that, anyone who has been in the process boat changing, knows very well.

Those who say that the two most traumatic moments in a person’s psyche (besides, of course, Inter defeats) are mourning and moving, have never gone through the process of “selling my boat and looking for a new one.” This process manifests itself through some unmistakable symptoms:

– You know off the top of your head the equipment of a ClubSwan 42 sold in Malaysia and you wait for it to drop in price, even though you know that in Malaysia, to get a boat, you will never go.

– You sway psychopathically and schizophrenically between hypertechnological millionaire boats and flatbread daysailers and 8-meter vermentino from 1995.

– You irresponsibly and inexplicably stalk shipowners and shipyards from all over the world. I remember one of my multimonthly correspondence with poor Kelbert from the wonderful JPK yard (whose polars and construction method I knew inside out), discussing the light wind performance of the JPK 10.80, which I would never buy.

– But especially one, the most dangerous symptom. The complete breakdown of the sense of reality that sustains you in your work life. Of the series, dreaming costs nothing. I even imagined myself on a round-the-world VOR70. Means perhaps not ideal for going for aperitifs in Portofino or swimming at Punta Chiappa. Moreover, with a draft of almost five meters, it does not enter 50 percent of Italian ports, but as a philosopher (Hegel?) used to say, “so much the worse for facts,” so we continue to dream.

The phantom Luigi Maria Gabbiani

And speaking of dreams. I could never have dreamed of the most awful and cruel of pranks I was subjected to by my “friends” during my last boat change. As someone would say, “with friends like that, who needs enemies.”

But let’s proceed in order…I was about to sell my beloved J/92 to buy the current MAT 1010 and I was expecting something like this…. So when Mr. J. Bond (John not James). sought me out from Scandinavia to make me an offer I immediately said, “Guys, I wasn’t born yesterday, there’s no point in playing ‘these jokes’ I’m not going to fall for them anyway.” Jokes of fate, Mr. Bond was real, only the offer was too low.

Instead when he called me such Luigi Maria Gabbiani, consultant currently in Greece complete with a Greek SIM card (fake), a great connoisseur and lover of my boat (obviously with one of my crew as an accomplice on the technical side) and who strangely could only come to visit the boat in Chiavari before the bid on Saturday afternoon (when coincidentally Inter were playing) and my friends were sure I would never go…

I liquidate it with an elegant “don’t worry, the boat is always open and always inspectable for a survey with your consultant even without me.” Without suspecting anything. There was even a Facebook profile (later revealed to be fake, made specifically for me) that as a shrewd and wary man I had gone to check out. Of course, the offer goes through and he sympathetically closes me with an “okay the price is right, but at least the lunch where I bring you the check is on you and that it’s somewhere classy.”

I choose, as a man of class and taste, Langosteria Bistrot in Milan and give him an appointment for the following Tuesday. In the evening I return home, call the Frenchman from the MAT of my dreams. I wanted to tell him, “I sold the boat, I’m cashing in on Tuesday, and I’ll pick it up over the weekend.”

The next morning I movedly summoned my family and announced the weekend arrival of a new Dajenu. I have a wonderful day, finally sleep like a baby after the sleepless period, and show up in splendid shape at the restaurant.

“We are all Louis Marie.”

This above is the souvenir photo… I can’t find the buyer or the consultant but all my friends at the table with my big face T-shirt and the words “We are all Luigi Maria.”

With great dignity I absorb the blow, but I resume not sleeping caught up in anxiety because the Frenchman, rightly, upon hearing that I can no longer give the deposit because I no longer have the check, sends me packing and tells me that he already has another buyer.

… and they all lived happily ever after.

My version is that when one behaves with such composure and nobility of spirit toward his or her horrid friends, it is only fair that he or she be rewarded in the end. Because yes, this terrible joke has a happy ending.

Eventually I sell the boat for 5,000 euros more because I find an Englishman (not James Bond) who is besotted with J/Boats but more importantly I find out that the Frenchman had bluffed and so a month later I take back with 10,000 euros off the MAT 1010, just in time to do the Giraglia…

If you have made it this far in the article, which I am writing as I relapsed back into the boat-swap period, you will understand why I bluffed my friends by saying that I had already sold the MAT 1010. If only! Absolutely not true, and indeed I had to rely on my friends at GdV with a (widely read) announcement.

Profile of the dissociated and schizophrenic owner

Miracle. After a month of absolute silence, the phone starts ringing (after all, Italy’s first Sailing Newspaper … moment of self-sponsorship and tribute to the Editor).

Among them is a shipowner from western Liguria: I thought I was the only schizophrenic and dissociated one who switches in the ads from VOR 70s to vintage daysailers…but as a movie also from the period said, “he’s worse than I am.”

In the phenomenology of the shipowner in boat exchange adds another original feature: schizophrenic yes, but also compulsive!

Visiting my boat, he confessed by saying that this would be his 25th boat in a few years. Manic, perfectionist, very nice and aware of his habit he shows me pictures of his boats. Absolutely perfect and immaculate, in short, as they always say in the ads — like new.

A collector: we go from ultra-cruiser models complete with boiler and air conditioning to extreme racing boats without even a water tank.

With one common thread. He takes them, arranges them, enriching them with every good thing of accessories, and when they are finally perfect and arranged the way he wants them…. puts them up for sale!

Dear Sailing Newspaper, I end with a proposal. Next to your “buy and sell” ads, in a small box, you should also include a toll-free number for psychological support owners struggling with the tragicomic moment of changing the boat.

If you have never tried it, dear reader, you cannot understand!

Marco Cohen

Did you enjoy the “Cohen style”? Then enjoy his other articles, including:

• How to slow down a racing boat. 10 secrets to not winning
• Phenomenology (semi-serious) of the Winter Championship.
• The owner’s syndrome or how to be happy despite the boat
• How to participate in offshore racing knowing you will lose
• Guide to Dreaming Sydney Hobart

Are you looking for a boat? Or do you want to sell it? Do the same as Marco. Post the ad like him on our marketplace and sell or buy the boat of your dreams!

The Sail Newspaper’s used boat marketplace

Today you have a more effective way to sell your boat or buy one, find the right used equipment for you, a berth, and even search for and offer jobs on board.

It’s the Sailing Newspaper’s new classifieds market, full of used boats. Standard ads are free and remain featured one month but we have a sea of solutions to make your ad even more effective! DISCOVER MORE.